Tomorrow I turn 40 – it feels very surreal to me. It doesn’t matter how old I get, inside I still feel the same. My body is older, bigger, a little more wrinkled. My hair is a little thinner and is turning grey strand by strand. I’m now the mother of three kids and my life is filled with responsibilities – “me time” is rare, even on vacation, and I can’t just pick up and change things, just because I want to, anymore. Gone are the days of living off sushi and going to tanning beds (not my smartest moments), and instead of popping out to the store in my Miata, I weigh the importance of what I want against the hassle of herding three kids into the SUV and policing them while in the store.
My life is now exhausting! There is not a single night that I don’t go to bed completely drained and thankful for sleep, but the older I get the more elusive it is. I now rely on melatonin to help me fall asleep – it helps me drift off before my brain takes over about bills, and school projects, and things that need cleaning.
There are days when I’ve had enough – that’s actually what I say “I’ve had enough!” I want to quit and go back to a simpler life, rewind the clock and be young again and get my easy life back.
Except that I really don’t!
I love who I am now. I’m wiser than I use to be, I’m more confident and I’m emotionally stronger. I don’t get offended as easily as I use to and I can stand up for myself and the people I love in ways I never could.
More importantly, I love being a mother. I love wrapping my arms around my children and burying my face in their hair. I love watching them grow and learn and relate to their world around them. I would never want to change that for the world, especially not for less wrinkles and a body less affected by gravity.
Everything I’ve experienced in the last 40 years have gotten me to this place and I am thankful for that. I don’t want to go back, I want to keep going forward. I’m excited for the many more years to come!